delirium clemens

When your hair stands on end under the royal colander

In the summer, when nothing but the bad weather can really shake people, three memorable events occurred in the schnitzel-shaped heart of Europe. Their structure is basically the same: they are all about how groups should be represented in a democratic society where the desperate longing of some can be simply annoying to others. Culture, as we have learned from theorists like Stuart Hall, is always a “struggle for meaning.”

Case #1 – the disposal of the imperial flesh & bones. When Otto (von) Habsburg, the son of the last Austrian emperor, died in July, his heart was buried in Budapest. Prague was left empty-handed, because the imperial leftovers were to be buried in the Imperial Crypt in Vienna. And Austria organized a veritable state funeral for the German ex-MEP Habsburg. This basically meant that, with the help of the state television ORF, a family clan and Austria’s 2% of old monarchists in fantasy uniforms took an entire nation hostage for half a day and forced it to watch everything – as it were a naughty child or an S+M ritual.

Case #2 – a driver’s license for religions. Also in July, an atheist PR person named Niko Alm (no kidding) persuaded Vienna Police to issue him a license on which he wears a colander on his head. The whole thing turns out to be not only a skillful self-advertising gag, but also a subversive statement in the so-called “headscarf dispute” with Islam in Europe. However, the “Pastafari religion” Mr. Alm used to justify his hat really exists. The “Great Spaghetti Monster” worshipped by the few faithful is an earthly invention by a student of physics from west coast of America: a persiflage of religion meant to annoy Christian fundamentalists in the US.

Case #3 – The Daughters of the Mountains. For quite a while, it has infuriated quite a few women from our Alpine Republic that they do not appear in the Austrian national anthem: Heimat bist du großer Söhne / Volk begnadet für das Schöne (“you are homeland to great sons / people gifted for the beautiful,” it says.) However, the major contributions to the nation’s pride by women such as the peace activist Bertha von Suttner (albeit born in Bohemia), the Nobel Prize laureate Elfriede Jelinek, the actress Romy Schneider or the pop star Christina Stürmer remain unmentioned. Anecdotal aside: the lyrics of the anthem – which certainly would never be short-listed for the Nobel Prize in literature – were written by a woman, Paula (von) Preradović who won a national competition for it in 1946…

However, after much wrangling, the government parties SPÖ and ÖVP have agreed with the Greens on an amendment to the lyrics shortly before the parliamentary recess in July. Only the right-wing populists from the “Freedom Party” FPÖ rejected this as “gender slapstick”. The only problem is now how to patch the nation’s daughters into the lyrics without disturbing their simple rhythm and rhyme. The half-hearted suggestion “you are homeland to great daughters sons” (with a swallowed “and”) would mean that actually, only Austria’s grandchildren would be sung about. (And one can only hope that Ms Stürmer does not come forward with a counter-proposal; otherwise, just ask Elfi Jelinek.)

In Germany’s traditional anthem, the Deutschlandlied (lyrics by Hoffmann von Fallersleben, 1841), we hear (apart from the infamous imperialist definition of Germany “from the river Maas to the Memel, from the Adige up to the Belt”) of Deutsche Frauen, deutsche Treue, / Deutscher Wein und deutscher Sang (“German women, German faith, / German wine and German song”). However I venture to doubt that the non-penis-bearing Germans are much happier about this than their Austrian fellow-sufferers, because in those lyrics, they seem to be just party accessories and not high societal achievers.

And what about all the other groups commonly silenced and unmentioned in national anthems: the transsexuals, handicapped, homeless, the immigrants (to whom btw. the Croatian-born Preradović belonged)? It seems that the real problems of large population groups will continue to be left out in official discourse. On the other hand, be honest: how many people still know the words of their anthem? And how stupid and dated are “national songs” in general? Are they really supposed to make you happy?

It seems that we Central Europeans sometimes lack a healthy pragmatism, as it is characterized not only by Anglo-Saxon philosophers like the notorious Richard Rorty. Sometimes one wonders these days if the whole middle of the continent is just suffering from sunstroke – or would be if it weren’t raining so much. In order not to step into the also unpopular universalism trap here: why not just cook yourself a portion of Spaghetti “Habsburg” (with old schnitzel pieces), put the colander on your head afterwards and sing to a legendary alpine tune by brain-dead “DJ Ötzi” its – remixed – priceless lyrics: I am Antonia from Tyrol? Unfortunately, I am from Vienna.

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PS. One day we might have to face the challenge of formulating a new (democratic) universalism reconciling difference and equality, since in the long run, the particularism of a Postmodern identity politics won’t be an appropriate tool of dealing with globalization and sustainability.

(c) Ruthner & Lidové noviny, 2011  > German version

This entry was posted on 14 August 2011 at 05:00 and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Austria, group rights, national anthem, Otto von Habsburg, Pastafari, religious hats, universalism?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.